So… It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. I’ve been meaning to post, but I just haven’t had the time to sit down and do it. As you can imagine my life is a lot different now.
So what have I been up to? Well a lot and a little.
I have given up on maintaining a social media presence.
I’ve never really been a Facebook person and Twitter wasn’t making me happy. I had lost touch with the people I felt close to and it just wasn’t the same place it used to be.
I think the nail in the coffin was when I discovered that someone had stolen my identity on Twitter. They were using my photos for a twitter account where they claimed that I/they were born in the wrong body and wrong skin colour. So I/they were actually a black woman born in a white mans body? I didn’t really understand it. I contacted the person and asked them remove my photos and they complied. I didn’t take the matter any further but after that and the issues I’ve had in the past with online bullying I felt like I had had enough.
I’m almost 40.
I keep thinking that once I reach 40 there will be an chemical change in my brain and I will suddenly become an adult and know how to do adult things. It seems only like the other day when I wrote 36 things about being thirty six so I am not going to write a list of 40 things about being forty but here is a short list of things that I assume will happen once I turn 40;
- Being able to change a tyre and do basic car mechanics
- The ability to do household maintenance and repairs.
- Make responsible decisions.
- Know what I am actually doing in life.
When it comes to life I just wing it. I know you will say that everyone does that but I really have no idea what I am doing. I just plod along hoping that I don’t upset of offend anyone on the way. So I am looking forward to the time that I become a responsible adult and then everything will just click into place.
I’m a Father.
What can I say? I’m the father of an amazing little boy. He has helped me understand exactly what unconditional love is all about. Any news story or film which involves a child getting hurt or killed affects me like never before. Your whole world changes when you are parent. For me it is a change for the better. I am so proud of him. Seeing his little smiling face warms my heart. I love watching him learn and grow. Being a father is amazing. I love it.
That’s about it really.
I will try and write more in the future as it is nice to look back and see how things have changed. I also find that writing can be very cathartic. I could have written a whole article on how I am almost on Level 31 on Pokemon Go for example. As you can tell I like to live my life to the fullest. So till the next time, take care.
UPDATE: I reached level 31 on Pokemon Go on 13/10/16
I know I haven’t written anything for a while. It’s not that I have not wanted to, or that I have had nothing to write about, it’s just that I have felt a bit detached. I feel like cloud has been following me around for a while, pouring raindrops of self doubt, and anxiety all over me. It has effected every aspect of my life. I have stopped doing lots of things that I loved doing. I’ve stopped writing surveys because a lot of people were abusing it. I’ve stopped playing guitar and other things because I’ve lost the desire to so. It is like I have lost a part of me, and I want it back. Am I mourning my youth? I have always lived in nostalgia and I have a hard time letting go. I don’t like change. It’s who I am and it’s this part of my personality that bother me. My thoughts are always conflicted. I want to be true to myself and I want to be happy but it sometimes feels that I have to fake being happy and this bothers me. However I also don’t want to be seen as being unhappy all the time. Luckily therapy and my amazing loving wife have been the much needed rays of sunshine that keep the dark clouds at bay. This isn’t me saying that I won’t be blogging again, in fact I write every Monday on my myfitnesspal blog. It’s just that when it comes to this blog, the blog I use to share my random thoughts, I need to get my mojo back before I start writing random rubbish again. I know this post has been a bit of a mess and has come out all melancholy, it wasn’t my intention. It’s just me saying sorry for not writing for so long, and that I haven’t forgotten about you. I just wanted get some words down and to say hello.
This is probably not the right move and is probably what they wanted, but yesterday I read something that upset me…
I’m a bit of a sensitive soul, but I’ve been fortunate enough never to really have to deal with bullies. I’ve always had people who would be looking out for me. I remember at school I was friends with a big Scottish boy called Jim. He is probably the world’s strongest man now, but he was one of these kids who didn’t take crap from everyone. I’m sure being friends with him protected me from harm. I still had the odd run in with someone, but that’s school. In fact I was surprised that didn’t get targeted more. As some of you might know I have spastic diplegia which is a form or cerebral palsy. I had to wear an eye patch when younger to try and help correct my eye problem and I was also in a wheelchair for a while because of problems with my legs, so as you can imagine a kid with an eyepatch in a wheelchair is hard to ignore. I always wondered if there was a secret playground code which I was unaware of that scared off the bullies. I remember one of my teachers even had a dressing down from the deputy head in front of half the school because the teacher had told me to stop fidgeting. I guess fidgeting & involuntary muscle spasms are the same thing to some people.
Anyway, I digress. I guess my point being that I’ve always felt protected by someone, there was always someone there to watch my back. As you may know I love making surverys, but before I started @5urvey I knew it wouldn’t be for everyone. In fact the whole reason why the @5urvey account exists is because I didn’t want to annoy any of my followers who weren’t interested in my constant tweets about surveys. The surveys now have their own home, and have proven to be quite popular for some. However the more popular something becomes the more people take notice and this can attract people who like to use this as their way to anonymously express their love or hatred for others who they know will also read it. It will get a reaction and they want a reaction, and I guess this is my reaction.
I’ve seen my name appear a few times on the survey, along with other names that always appear, even if the answers are completely unrelated to the question. Some of the comments are positive some of it negative, but you can’t please everyone. I tried to ignore comment left the other day about someone wishing they were me just so they could shoot themselves. Everyone tells you to ignore it and that is the best thing to do I guess, but the comment above about setting me on fire hit a nerve. I don’t know how others would react but it made me feel uncomfortable. I started to put walls up. I started to question myself. Who is it? What have I done to upset them? Is it someone I know? Should I lock down my account? Should I leave twitter? Is it because of the surveys? Should I stop posting surveys? Etc. On and on… I spent most of the night worrying.
However like I said when I started this post I have always had people looking out for me. My friends & twitter have rallied round me. I received so many nice messages from so many people who worry and care for me. I didn’t really know how much love and support I had before this happened.
So in conclusion I am not going to change. I am not going to lock my account down. I am not going to leave twitter. I am not going to let this get to me. The surveys will contiune. I am still going to post randomness. I am still going to be me. So to you who wanted a reaction from me, well done you have it…
I don’t know if this is the reaction you wanted.
I have a real issue with change, I like to do things a certain way and I like repetition. I love collecting things too. I have always been like this. If you’ve read my blog before you can probably see examples of that. I have an eating disorder. My obsession with bags. My enjoyment of making lists and surveys. I’ve always questioned whether I was normal. I just thought I was always a bit quirky. I am a bit quirky.
Last year my issues with change started to really cause me… well… issues. I was due to be married in August… Married! I have never been married before. What do you do? How will my life change? All these worries started to build up in my head. Everyone said I should be really excited but I felt more stress than excitement. Why was I not excited? Did this mean I was making a mistake? Why did I not feel the same as others? I made lists of positive things but I couldn’t get worries out of my head. Friends told me I wasn’t making sense. I had to get away. Run! Run away from the change. I had a breakdown as I couldn’t see anything positive in my future. I saw a therapist who told me it was just cold feet and not to worry and that my anxiety attacks would pass once I was married. This calmed me and I started to look forward to the wedding.
My wedding day was amazing. I was calm, I had no nerves and it just felt right. Everyone I loved was there. It was a great day. It felt amazing to get married. I was happy… for a few days. The anxiety attacks I thought had gone away didn’t. I was putting on a face for people. I found myself feeling like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t concentrate. The structure of my life was falling apart. I just couldn’t function. I fell into a deep depression.
As my wife is wonderful and amazing she did everything she could to help. In October I saw my doctor who put me on a course of antidepressants and referred me to a different therapist. My new therapist noticed strange patterns in my thinking and behaviour and asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with a Autism Spectrum Condition? I wasn’t sure what to think. When I think of Autism I think of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. That isn’t me, but I was willing to be assessed because I needed answers. I needed to know why I think the way I do. I was sent lists of questions to complete and on Tuesday 14th May I would be assessed by a specialist. I spent weeks wondering & worrying about the outcome. What if they said I am not on the autstic spectum? What does it mean if I am? If I am then I guess it would be closure. I would have my answer.
The 14th of May was last Tuesday. I’ve had my assessment. I was diagnoised with Asperger syndrome. What is Aspeger Syndrome you might say to yourself? Well here is an easy read explanation.
The more the specialist spoke to me the more I could relate to the diagnosis and it seemed to tick boxes in my head…
- They find it difficult to understand what other people think, and how they feel. ✔
- They can have good language skills. But some people with Asperger syndrome think that people always mean what they say. For example, someone with Asperger syndrome might not be able to tell when someone is joking. ✔
- They may only talk about their favourite subject. ✔
- They may be very interested in some things. ✔
- They may want to take part in games or activities with other people. But they may not know how to do this. ✔
- They may like to play the same game or do the same thing every day. ✔
- They can have a good IQ and may go to the same school as children who do not have a disability. ✔
- They may be good at concentrating on one activity. ✔
- They may find co-ordination difficult. ✔
- Some people with Asperger syndrome may like to eat the same food every day ✔
- They may have mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression. ✔
So what changes now? Nothing. It just means that the way my mind works is different to those who don’t have this disorder. I have my answer. I have closure.
You can get more information about Asperger syndrome from:
Autism Helpline: 0808 800 4104
The National Autistic Society’s website: www.autism.org.uk
I turned 36 last month. These are 36 things I have noticed about being 36.
- Nothing really changes.
- I wonder how people much younger than me have managed to acheive so much.
- I’ve been on twitter for 3 years.
- Losing weight isn’t as easy as it once was.
- BBC Radio One is not for me.
- It’s harder to keep a willing suspension of disbelief when watching films and TV.
- Little things annoy me.
- Years don’t feel that long.
- My handwriting is still awful.
- Teenagers think you are old.
- Many people my age have children.
- Most of my clothes are over 10 years old, some are even 20.
- I have written an online blog in some form or other for 13 years.
- Music doesn’t excite me like it once did.
- I’m sure some of the girls I went to school with are now grandparents.
- I still feel like I am 16.
- Having to accept that I’m never going to be a spy/astronaut/ninja/pirate/robot.
- Realising that 18 is half my age.
- A lot of people expect you to act your age.
- I am still useless at spelling & maths.
- Bands I consider to be fairly new bands have all been going for more than 5 years.
- Things don’t impress me much.
- If I was an american I would old enough to be their president.
- My diet hasn’t changed.
- I am older than Tom Hardy, Zachary Quinto, & Michael Fassbender.
- I still look like I am 26.
- My short term memory is awful.
- I might be immortal.
- I am always tired.
- When I was 30 I tried to make a mental effort to grow up.
- When I was 31 I realised that I was never really going to grow up.
- I’m going grey.
- Some of the guys I went to school with have gone bald.
- I’m old enough to be Justin Bieber’s & Miley Cyrus’s dad.
- Being young at heart is better than being young.
- Things are always changing.
It was the perfect day. I can’t really sum it up with words so I will just show you some of the amazing photos that was taken on the day (click on the pic to make it bigger) …
…It was truly the best day of my life.