I feel a bit lost at the moment, actually lost is a very good word to use; 


adjective1. Unable to find one’s way; not knowing one’s whereabouts.

1.1 Unable to be found.

1.2 [predicative] Unable to understand or to cope  with a situation.

2. That has been taken away or cannot be recovered.

2.1 (Of time or an opportunity) not used advantageously; wasted.

2.2 Having died or been destroyed.

 I am lost. I don’t really know what I am doing or where I am going. My thoughts and emotions seem scrambled. I am not good with emotions. I have a problem reading them in others and I have a problem understanding them in myself. I have lost my confidence. I feel self-destructive and paranoid. I don’t trust myself. I am a confused mess so apologies if this post doesn’t make sense. So… Where to start? How do I put across to you how I feel and what’s going on in my head without just making short statements and sentences? Why do I feel so lost? Who knows? My subconscious must hate me. Saying that there has been a lot of things going on in my life at the moment which has affected my mental state. I recently bought a house, I’ve been promoted at work, my grandmother died, and my wife is having a baby…. So yeah, I guess I do have a reason to feel a bit lost at the moment. Lots of changes are happening and it’s messing with my mind, heart and soul. I don’t know how to express these feelings and who to express them too. Since cutting myself off from most of the internet I don’t know who to talk to, or what to say.I was having a conversation with some friends the other day about how I find it hard to talk to people. I know it’s not just me. Everyone seems to have this problem. You want to talk to someone but you don’t want to be a burden. Your friends say they are there for you whenever you need them, but what if it’s four in the morning? What if they are out with friends? No one really knows when it is and isn’t a good time to call. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to a friend. Friends can lie. Friends will say things just to make you feel better rather than be honest and tell you the truth. You want to talk to a stranger who is out of the loop. Sometimes you want advice, sometimes you don’t want advice and you just want to off load. You just want someone who will listen.

The solution for this would be a mobile phone app. The app would collect the contacts on your phone and connect you to all other people with the app. When you need someone to talk to you just tap the app. It would then flag your name to everyone on your contacts and alert all other users of the app. everyone will see that you need someone to talk to. Once you have a connection the app will remove the flag against your name until you tap the app again. That way you will never feel alone.

I would only use the app to offload my worries. I don’t really listen to other people’s advice. I think I would also be the worst person when it comes to listening to other people’s problems. This is where my empathy issues kick in. I tend to be a heartless bastard at times. I don’t have much sympathy for people who wallow in self-pity, even when I know that I can be one of those people at times. I don’t really have anything to complain about either. I have a great life, the perfect wife, caring friends, a roof over my head and everything to look forward to. It’s not like I am alone or homeless. I just need to a friendly ear at times.

Like I said at the beginning, this post won’t really make much sense. I think what I am trying to say is that people feel lost all the time and deal with it in different ways. My way of dealing with it at the moment is by writing this. I am not very good at writing but by putting words down on a page it helps me off load some of my emotions and organise my brain. Like I said earlier I’m not after advice. I just wanted to put my words out there.

32 days later…

It’s been 32 days since I last posted, so what have I been up to? Well…

I went to Newcastle over the easter to visit a friend and absolutely loved it there. The people were so nice and friendly. We had such a good time that we are going back in June for www.evolutionfestival.co.uk

On April 10th I went to Leavesden Studios for The Making of Harry Potter tour. It was truly Magicial…

I could write a whole post about Harry Potter but I will let the official site tell you all about it.

“Warner Bros. Studio Tour London provides an amazing new opportunity to explore the magic of the Harry Potter™ films – the most successful film series of all time. This unique walking tour takes you behind-the-scenes and showcases a huge array of beautiful sets, costumes and props. It also reveals some closely guarded secrets, including facts about the special effects and animatronics that made these films so hugely popular all over the world.
Here are just some of the things you can expect to see and do:

  • Step inside and discover the actual Great Hall.
  • Explore Dumbledore’s office and discover never-before-seen treasures.
  • Step onto the famous cobbles of Diagon Alley, featuring the shop fronts of Ollivanders wand shop, Flourish and Blotts, the Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, Gringotts Wizarding Bank and Eeylops Owl Emporium.
  • See iconic props from the films, including Harry’s Nimbus 2000 and Hagrid’s motorcycle.
  • Learn how creatures were brought to life with green screen effects, animatronics and life-sized models.
  • Rediscover other memorable sets from the film series, including the Gryffindor common room, the boys’ dormitory, Hagrid’s hut, Potion’s classroom and Professor Umbridge’s office at the Ministry of Magic.

Secrets will be revealed…”

It was very impressive. I bought myself the elder wand from the gift shop, however no matter how much I have tried I have yet to cast any spells. RUBBISH!

I was off work for a week with shingles (woe). I still have the scars from when had shingles 9 years ago, and it returned to the same area. This time I was lucky and was put on medication before it got any worse. I am still not feeling 100% but I don’t think I am contagious as my skin hasn’t blistered so I am back at work and happy that I am no longer sat on my arse doing nothing.

I have been to three weddings this month, all of my friends are getting married and I am looking forward to my wedding which is now less than 4 months away.

Last Thursday I went to see The Avengers…I won’t talk about it too much as the film isn’t out in America yet, so I won’t reveal any plot details, but I will say this… I LOVED IT! Tony Stark being witty, Captain American going pow pow, and zinging his shield! Thor going zap with lighting and woo woo woo with his hammer! THE HULK!!! OMG! THAT PUNCH WITH THOR!!!! I loved that punch. Very Funny. Black Widow being all twisty turny and Hawkeye falling and doing his thing.
Aww it was just brilliant!! Loki was brilliant too.. awwww…. IT WAS SO GOOD!!!

But enough about about me… How are things with you?

(68) days

So it’s been over two months since I last wrote on a proper entry on here about life and things. I know I wrote about Richard Rycroft’s Twitter quest but that was really a post about Richard not about me,so it’s time for an update.. Firstly thank you for all your kind words and messages about Dawn. It meant a lot to me. Death is a difficult thing to process and knowing that I will never see her again feels strange, but knowing she was murdered is worse. I don’t think I will ever come to terms with that. Things like that only happen on TV and films, not to a friend, not to Dawn but it has.

You can now imagine a pause here. A pause that lasts about 15 mins. I didn’t want to start writing about Dawn but I have, and now I don’t know how I can write about anything else in this entry without it feeling forced. I need tips from news readers, they seem to be able to move from death to a story of a cat being stuck in a tree with ease. Anyway…

The UK was covered in snow a few weeks before Christmas and work closed for a couple of days. It was so pretty that it was a good excuse to try out all of my iPhone camera apps…

Christmas and New Year was fun. I think I drank my weight in Bailey’s. Tesco had a 2 for £20 deal on and at one point I was buying 2 bottles of Bailey’s a week, so actually my statement about me drinking my weight in Bailey’s should read; ‘I drank my weight in Bailey’s so now I am twice the weight I was’. I have indeed put on weight. One of my Christmas presents was the driving game ‘Gran Turismo 5’ which I am now addicted to so I rarely leave the comfort of the sofa. I have also discovered the ‘B-Spec’ races, which is racing for lazy people. You just have to pick the Car and let the game do all the driving. So you just start the race, go away to eat some cake and then when you return you’ve one the race. Genius! I think more racing games should be like this.
I am on leave this week to celebrate my girlfriends birthday. We went to Brighton and stayed at the Drakes Hotel. I love Brighton so It gave me another chance to try out all of my iPhone camera apps… *cue photos*

As you can tell I love my iPhone camera apps. All the photos you see were taken using  instagram, which I highly recommend if you do own an iPhone. It’s a great way of taking pictures and sharing them. If you do sign up you can find me on there under the username ‘rookin’.

During the past few months I have also been to the cinema to see a few films. Two that stand out are ‘TRON:Legacy’ and ‘The Kings Speech’. One which was very very good and the other which was very very bad (but had amazing effects and soundtrack). I will let you guess which is which.

…and that kinda brings you up to speed. There is a party this weekend and then it’s back to work on Monday.
Fun times. Fun times.

Stress of the wild.

I feel very stressed today.  Lots of people from work are off sick and so I have to cover for them as well as do my own work. With work being busy and having lots of things on the go, I don’t really have much time to write this, so this post will be a lot shorter then I would like it to be.

However I do like being busy. I do like having things to do. I would probably get more stressed if I was doing nothing, got used to doing nothing and then got given stuff to do. It’s just getting into the mindset of working. Once I know im going to be busy I can deal with it. I can deal with the stress.

I watched Into the Wild for the first time yesterday. I loved it. It was a very moving film based on the adventures of Christopher McCandless. I want to know more about him. I want to know more about the real man. The real story.

There is a documentry called Call of the Wild which I would like to see. I looked it up on amazon.co.uk but it looks like it is only avalible from the Terra Incognita films website.  I have bought the blu-ray of the film which has some special features which I will hopefuly tell me more about him.

 To me the life he chose is far more stressful then the life I lead. I could never drop out of society and roam the wilderness. I do admire the man, and anyone who could just leave everything behind like that. I am not good with change. I have a hard time letting go. I horde everything, I don’t like throwing things away and most of all apart from some time in the scouts as a boy and camping at festivals, I am NOT the outdoor type.